When my family first moved to Friendswood, TX in 2008 I had a rather difficult time adjusting. This previous statement is an absolute understatement, however, this post is not to rant, as I have many times in the past, about how I have grown to love my town and don't regret moving one eensy-teensy little bit. Quite the contrary, this post is about my younger brother James. And how he dealt with the pain of leaving his childhood home--how he kept it masked by humor and silliness and I never knew he was hurting until it had already passed.
In October of his seventh grade year, my brother James wrote the following. It may be bizarre, a little bit racist/sexist/any other -ist you can think of, and definitely full of crude humor (not for the faint of heart) but I laugh nearly every time I re-read this wonderful piece of nonsense. Thus I present to you oh non-readers the unedited works of J.T.W. Bellian:
WHAT I DID LAST WEEKEND
A novel in two parts
PART I
CHAPTER 1
But then, suddenly a large, boat-shaped boat emerged from the horizon. “Yo, José, is that a whale or an island speeding towards us?” My vision was still blurry from last night. Whew! That was one hell of a party! “It’s a ship el stupido! How much ya drink last night man?” José replied in his usual Spanglish accent. I peered at the blue sharpie tally marks on my left arm that I used to count my drinks, “Uhhh… twelve I think… that last one looks more like a squiggle…” BOOM!!!“WHOA!!!” I mumbled drunkenly. “SHIP ACCIDENT ON THE 518-Freeway! It’s a good thing I got Allstate!” The large boat-shaped boat from the horizon had reached us and slammed into our poop-deck like last nights ravioli. “Actually, you purchased the basic Allstate insurance package without accident forgiveness. Remember? You didn’t want to spend the extra twenty-five cents for the full insurance.” Tom informed me just before I strangled him into unconsciousness. Then I replied, “This cannot be good for my credit…” and passed out on the floor.
I woke up to the clanking of metal on meatball-marinara, in case you don’t know what this sounds like, imagine going to Subway, ordering a meatball-marinara sub sandwich, and hurling it into Ludicris’ face. As I looked around I got more of an idea where I was; mainly because I was staring at an enormous pirate flag sporting an average jolly roger. “Come on mateys! Put ye ass bones into it! AARRGG!” bellowed a deep and obviously gay voice. I struggled to turn my body around and realized the pirates had tied me to their mast… With hot pink ribbon! “What the douche?!?!” I mumbled to myself. Tom was tied up next to me… he was missing an arm… “Ye call that sword fightin’? Put ye ass bones into it!” The gay pirate was still shouting orders. I twisted around enough to see him. I wish I hadn’t. He was even more of a flamer than I could have possibly imagined. His skin was as white as cream-cheese and he wore a cheep paper pirate hat that totally clashed with the multi-colored feathered boas draped over his shoulders. The worst part was he was completely nude except for a tight leather thong. “BLARGLARGBARPH!!!” drip, drop, drip. “Sorry,” I said to Tom who was now covered from head to toe in vomit. “I puked on you.”
“It’s okay… I’m used to you treating me like your personal slave by now…” Tom said in a depressed tone. Then I replied with a huge smile, “Hahahah, good for you! I think were bonding… should we hug?” Tom turned his head with a disturbed expression that told me he despised the idea of even sitting next to me. While keeping my cool I screamed, “Whatever you fucking ass-pirate! I didn’t want a stupid hug anyway!”
“Did somebody say ass-pirate? AAARRRGGG!!!” bellowed the homosexual thong-pirate as he leaped thirty feet in the air so he was crouching in the crow’s nest above us. “I am ye cap’n of these here ass-pirates! And ye shall refer to me as none other than The Ass Pirate Formerly Known as Prince!” CLANK! SLOSH! “Again with the meatballs! What is that?!?” I yelled to drown out The Ass Pirate Formerly Known as Prince’s annoying cackling. The last person in the world I wanted to reply replied, “That be ye Mexican buddy resisting me privates’ swords with that there 5 dollar foot long! ARG!” Sure enough, José was on the pirate ship’s deck battling off hundreds of feathered-boa wearing ass-pirates completely un-armed except for a 12 inch sandwich. “Oh no! José! If only he had a burrito! He’d be much more comfortable with cuisine from his own country!”
“Oh my god I’m missing an arm!!!” cried Tom as he stared at the gimp formerly known as Tom’s right arm. I comforted Tom’s loss by saying, “No shit Sherlock. It’s been gone for like half an hour and you just noticed?” Tom, who was still crying over his new stub of an arm said, “But how did this happen?!” “Who cares?” I said, “Let’s go help out José.” I took a step forward but was still tied up by the pink ribbon, so I pretty much just wiggled my legs. “Yo The Ass-Pirate Formerly Known As Fagot.” I said. “Prince.” he said “Whatever, you going to untie us or what?” I said. The Ass Pirate Formerly Known as Prince, who seemed to be in deep thought, said, “Well me maty, me doesn’t see no downside… ARRGG! It be a deal!” And he untied us immediately, we both slid down the mast, and Tom broke my fall. Unfortunately, I broke The Ass-Pirate Formerly Known As Prince’s fall. “Get off me you faggot!” I politely yelled angrily at The Ass-Pirate Formerly Known As Prince. but he didn’t. so I pulled the M-16 out of my left pocket and blew his brains to high heaven. Or low hell. Wherever queer pirates go. “What the Hell James?!?” Tom yelled just before drowning in his own blood from a foot inflicted nosebleed (from my foot, of course).
“¡YO HOMBRÉ! I got 30 gay pirates on my ass and I don’t know how much sandwich I got left!” said José. Oh right… José was still sword-fighting the ass-pirates with a meatball sub… “Hold on a sec…” I said while digging through my surprisingly spacious pockets. “Hmmm… let’s see… pocket knife, no… broken shot glass, noo… lit maltov cocktail, noooo… Desert Eagle, hell no!” About half of these random items stabbed into Tom. “Ah! here we go! José! Catch!” I threw a jar of salsa in José’s general direction. More like genital direction! ‘Cause it nailed him in the balls! “EEEEEEK!! ¡MADRÉ!" José squeaked. Kinda like a mouse; a mouse that just had a jar of salsa become its third testicle. “Suck it up buddy! Just shake it off!” I yelled to José. I assume I threw the salsa too late, because as José was writhing on the floor, a rather chunky pirate wearing butt-less chaps hit him upside the head with a frying pan.
A few pancakes flopped out of the frying pan. Along with the pancakes there was sticky syrup. It hit me in the face. It was gross. I didn’t like it. Then I walked over to tom and gave him a big hug. He bled on me. It was gross. I didn’t like it. So then I killed him and crawled inside his skin. Like a scarab. It was gross. I didn’t like it. So I ate him. He was crunchy. I liked it. Yummmmmm….
“HOLY SHIT!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCKING SHIT!?!?!” I woke up in a cold sweat and slammed my face into a plate of pancakes and bacon. “OW! What the frick is going on here?!?” I seemed to have been sitting in a Continental breakfast. José was sitting next to me with an ice pack on his nuts. And Tom was making waffles. Weird… I remember eating him… What’s with all the breakfast? I wasn’t even hungry. I ate a whole Tom for dinner…
CHAPTER 2!!!
“Wow, Tom you’re such a fag. You should have stayed on the boat with all of the butt-fucking homosexually oriented pirates. You would have felt more at home,” I said with a mouth full of Tom’s delicious waffles. “You couldn’t get any gayer Tom! Making all this shitty food for me! How do you fuck up waffles Tom? Seriously! They taste like crap!” I lied truthfully. “¡Mis bolas lastimadas mi amigo James!” Whined José. “No one cares about your hairless balls José! And stop speaking in Mexican!” Tom was surprised by my awesome Mexican skills so replied with, “You speak Spanish?” “Oh Tom, you’re such a douche bag.” I said. “Well excuse me! How was I supposed to know you were bilingual?!” Said the total fag uhhhh I mean Tom. However, me being as polite as I am nicely corrected Tom’s mistake.
“First of all! I’m not bilingual ya little faggot! Just because I can speak two languages doesn’t make me gay! The only bilingual dude in this room is you, Tom! That’s right! I went there Mr. I-Go-Both-Ways!” Tom looked at me like I was retarded or something. And then he started crying. And bleeding. From his newly removed left arm. I just laughed and finished eating my waffles (I used the arm I ripped off of Tom to hold my fork). Then Tom passed out. Probably from blood-loss. “¿Por qué hiciste a ese James? ¡Tom es total inútil sin ningunos brazos!!” Said José. Obviously. “Enough with the Mexican!” I said to José. “And it’s not like Tom was useful with arms in the first place. If you ask me, it’s an improvement.”
The Continental Breakfast was quiet. Too quiet… FWOOSH! SHATTER! SHATTER! SHATTER! SHATTER! A bunch of dudes in black suits with flame-throwers broke- Whoops I mean; a bunch of dudes in black suits with flame-throwers broke through the windows and started shooting up the place. “Finally! Some action!” I said while flipping the table I was sitting at to make a cover. José, who was finally speaking in English ruined my party by saying, “Yo James, I get that were amigos and stuff, but I’m blowing this joint.” Hmmm… tough choice…stay and kill these guys with my m-16 which was… empty… or leave and not get set on fire by the Mafia… “Fine let’s go!” FWOOSH! The Continental Breakfast burned down behind us. “Awww… that looked like fun…” I said. “Is it hot in here, or is it just me??? My hair's on fire isn’t it? Yeah… it is… of course…”
"hmmm... we're in a parking lot." i said while standing in a parking lot. And then a microvave fell from the sky and landed on Jose's head. i set it to popcorn. Jose didnt make it, but the popcorn was pretty good. it had a nice jalapenyo flavor. Anyways, threw the body in the trunk of some suckers car. "well looks like im flyin solo now." i said. "ooo nice lambo! i should totaly pick the lock with a paperclip." i said just before picking the lock with toothbrush. (i could'nt find a paperclip)
I jammed the toothbrush into the ignition and felt the purr of the lambo... or maybe that was just the cat riding shotgun... "come on snowball. lets ride." snowball didnt say anything. "Snowball you look at me when im talkin to you!!!!SNOWBALLL!!!!" meaow. "Dont you dare scratch that red leather interier! You wouldnt! you dont have the guts!" meow. "Dont you backsass me you little pussy! one more word out of you and your roadkill!" (snowball is the cat by the way) "Fuck you." snowball said. "wha????" just then i noticed that snowball was holding a switch blade. or maybe it was a pocketknife... well, whatever it was snowball rammed it so far into my guts i could taste it. it was gross and matalliky... i didnt like it. but tough shit for me cause i didnt wake up in a continental breakfast.
I ended up hitchhiking with Orlando Bloom... it kinda sucked but he did have beer in his glove compartment, and chocolate brownies... they were very moist and chocolaty. "Yo duch for brains put on the fucking radio so we dont have to listen to your shitty Tayler Swift CDs." i said to Orlando. I seemed to have insulted his musical taste or something cause he got pretty pissed off. "WHAT? YOU DON"T LIKE MY TAYLER SWIFT CD's?!?!? BRING IT ON BITCH!" orlando yelled as he pulled a switch blade out of his back pocket. That pissed me off. but i kept my cool. " DONT FUCK WITH ME MAN! DONT FUCK WITH ME!!!!!!" I ripped the pocketknife out of my stomach and stabbed it into Little Bloomy Fag Fag's brain. then i threw his body out of the car GTA style and started my beastly road-trip.
CHAPTER 3
"Hmmm... red light... what does that one mean again? Oh well." I said to my self as I ran through a red light. It was getting pretty boring without Jose... I even started to talk to myself in spanish to pass the time.
"¿Hola compinche cuál está para arriba? ¿Hacen tú tienen gusto del lambroguini?
Ahhh... Jose... thank you for asking, yes i do.
Oh que es bueno. ¡Me mataste tú hijo - de - a - perra!
What?!? No Jose you dont understand! It was an accident!
¡Ahora te quemarás en el hoyo del infierno ardiente híbrido!
It was'nt my fault! that microwave came out of no-where!
¡Morir James!"
I got the weird feeling i was going to strangle myself to death while pretending to be Jose.... And then I put on a sombrero and strangled myself while pretending to be Jose... But don't worry! after begging me to spare my life for about an hour i finally manged to get myself to stop choking me.
" (*gasp*cough*cough *heavy breathing* heavy breathing*) Thank you Jose for being so understanding!" I said to my reflection in the reer-view mirror. "no problema james. habría hecho tu cabeza en las palomitas si tenía la ocasión también." I replied. "thank god we got that cleared up!" i laughed. "Peace out home-slice!" i waved goodbye to myself after i added my number to my phone's contacts so we could keep in touch.
"hahaha... good times... good times....."
(SIREN SOUNDS) WWEEERRROOOWWEEERROO "PULL OVER! THIS IS THE POLICE!!"
"Theres no way in hell im pulling over to you fags!" I yelled out the window to the police as I pulled over. "Sir do you know that it is against federal law to call an officer a fag mmkay?" said the police man in a gay brookland accent. "Bull shit. You're a fuck-tard." i said in a strait badass normal accent. "Mmkay... wait, what did you jus say?" asked the officer. "I asked ' Is there a problem officer'. You must be hard of hearing or something officer..." I read his name tag. "Boise?"
Officer Boise took a bag of penuts out of his pocket. "Ya....Would you like some penus? Mmkay..." he asked. " EXCUSE ME??!?" I asked. "Penus." he said, " Theyre nice and salty. Mmkay...." By now i figured out he was completely retarded. "I think i'll pass." i said. Boise bent over and picked something shiny off the ground. " OOOooo! mkayy... A lucky quwardah!" he said. Wow. It was a quarter. What the fuck was this guy smoking! "Officer i'm going to have to ask you to step away from the vehicle." i said. Officer Boise replied, " Oh.... Mmmkayy then.... Now wait a secont! Me an tha boyz are gunna take yous downtown! Mmmkayy!" Pfft. Like that was going to happen. "Oh alright officer." i said, "i dont want to give you any trouble, i mean you only have one foot...." (Officer Boise had two perfectly fine feet at the moment) "Thanx Mmkay... That was easy...mkay...Wait a secont...."
VVVRRROOOOMMM!!!!! SKLGWASH!!!!!
"AHHHHHHHHHHH!!! Mmkay...." Officer Boise was screeming from about a mile away... well most of him was screaming, his right leg was'nt screaming, it was too busy bleeding on my tire! I made a note to be mad at Officer Boise's leg later....
"uh-oh...." i said. i hope 'E' stands for, 'exploding with gasoline because you have so much in your tank right now that you won't need to stop at a gas station for the rest of your life" but as most of us know, 'E' really stands for 'eggplant' which meant i had to stop at a gas station to try and get the eggplant out of my engine.
Then i noticed a gas station had fallen out of a cargo plane about an inch away from my car. I turned to face the camera man and said, "That was.... ironic.... I think it was ironic... i'm not even sure i know what ironic means... nice name though, I think i'll name my first child Ironic." The camera man started bleeding from the eyes. "Why are you bleeding from the eyes?" i asked nicely. "I-i-i i'm not sure! H-H-Help! someone help me my eyes are bleeding!" said the camera man. "More importantly, what are you doing sitting on my sumbrero?" i asked slieghtly less nicely. The camera man then replied while sitting on my sumbrero, "W-w-what? MY EYES ARE BLEEEDING!!!!" I was starting to lose my patients. "I can understand why your eyes are bleeding," i said even less nicely, "but that does not give you the right to sit on MY sumbrero! DIE!!!!" I said the die part in slow motion to make it seam even more un-nice. it went sort of like this, "DDDDDDDDDDDDIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Except it was like in a super deep voice like i was possessed by satan or something, like know how in those movies when people are possessed they're like, MWAHAHAHA!!! but it's like way deeper than theyre normal voice like a bass or that really deep thing that sounds like it's possessed kinda like a tickle-me Elmo when it's runing low on batteries, "HHEEEHHHEEEHHEEE IIIII AAAAMMMM EEELLLMMMOOO FFEEEEAAAR MEEE!!!!!!" Yeah just saying it was pretty bad ass i didn't even know i could do that. Anywho, i ripped his head of and fead his body to some pigs in the farm next door.
For some weird reason, the station i was at didn't have an eggplant extractor, it just had extremely high priced diesel. So I walked into the Circle K and looked around. I didn't find an eggplant extractor in any of the isles. And the candy shelf was full of guacamole flavered doritos. Which surprisingly taste pretty good. I was like, "WTF doritos arn't candy." Then the cashier was like, "Can I help Y'all sir?" he had a Texan hick accent. I HATE Texan hick accents! "Ya were the frick is all your damn candy. And why is there no fucking eggplant isle in your stupid Circle K?!?"
"Well i'll be mighty sorry mister. Ya'll could mosey on down to the grapefruit isle, it's sorta like a eggplant. said the casheir. I could tell he was racist because he was wearing a beltbuckle with the confederate flag on it, and he forgot to take of his KKK hood after last nights burning. "Grapefruits are nothing like eggplants you racist punk!" i said. "And were's all your candy!?!?"
The racist cashier looked nervous. i could tell he was sweating under his white hood. "Er... uhhh... theres a sale on Orange juice." For some strange reason, the cashier wasn't answering my question about the candy. "Zoinks!" I said as all the clues came together in my head, "You're old man Jenkins from the carnival!" I pulled his hood off expecting him to say, 'And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you meddleing kids!' but instead he replied,
"What?" So then i said, "Never mind that Jenkins, Where are you hiding the factory!?" I pointed a sawed-off shotgun to his forehead. He started sweating more and said, "I-i-i-i don't know what ya'll is talking bout.... uhhh theres a sale on orange juice!" Grrrrr.... stupid hick... "You tell me where you're hiding the fucking factory right now!!!!" Then the racist cashier hick began crying in fear. Actually, he was probably crying in pain after his succesful, and very forcefull kidney removal.
CHAPTER 4!
"Now tell me where the factory is or you'll lose the other one." That was all the racist cashier needed to hear. He pointed to the mens bathroom that said 'out of order' on it, and then died. "Hmmm... that's a weird place to put a chocolate factory... Oh well!" I said to myself as I reached for the rusty door handle with the words 'suck my balls bitch' scratched into it. i slowely turned the bronze handle and began opening the door.... when the trapdoor beneath me fell open and I was sucked threw a giant toob that swirled in circles like a mentally retarded rollercaster with AIDS. "Aha! I found the chocolate factory! SWEETTT!!!!" I said at the end of the toob slide. "it's completely eatable!"
"Hehaheah actually IT'snot!" said a mysterious voice that sounded mysteriously exactly like Johnny Depp. "It's made out of snot???" I asked while pulling my tounge away from a giant barber-shop pole. "No i MEAN it'snot eatable. It's made out of asbestas." said Johnny Depp, "Follow me for the grand tour! You can CALL me BILLY WONKA!~"
I followed Billy to a giant toilet overflowing will brown mush. "That's disgusting." i said. "no my DEAR BOY it's deliciou-tastic! You see, I churn my chocolate by toilet water. No other FACTORY in the world does IT thahat way! SHNOZZBERRY!" Billy Wonka said 'SHNOZZBERRY' like some sort of nervous twitch. "SHNOZZBERY!!!" he repeated. "Uhhh... Gazuntite?" i replied. "EXACTLY!" he said. Then Billy Wonka pulled something brown and lumpy out of his back pocket. And then he offered it to me. "Wouldja like SOME chocolate???" he shoved it into my hands. It felt like poo. But I took a huge bite anyways; and surprisingly... "Wow this is actually pretty good!" I said. Then Billy tore it out of my hands and replaced it with a candy bar. "OWOOPS! sorrrryyyy! that was SHIT!!! Heres the real CHOCOLATE! SHNOZBERRY!" I carefully took a bite of the chocolate bar, ignoring the fact that Billy forced me to eat a delicious pile of shit from his back pocket. "UGH this chocolate tastes like SHIT!!!" I said as I spit it out into the chocolate toilet. "Heheahaw yeah... for some REASON it tastes better the SECOND TIME! But I could'nt sell my own feces. That would be DISGUSTING. Not to mention INHUMANE!" Billy Wonka said. "Yeah yeah whatever give me the turd back i'm not eating this garbage." i said.
Then Billy Wonka continued on his tour of the factory. "What are those for?" I asked while gesturing to an aquarium full of abused dolphins. "Oh yes heheahaeh I'm glad YOU asked THAT question TO me. SHNOZZBERRY!" One of the dolphins in the tank spontaneously combusted when Billy said 'SHNOZZBERRY' "You see, I HAVE a strict diet of abused ANIMALS and CHOCOLATE. and sometimes abused chocolate!!!" Another dolphin exploded. " Makes sense to me." I said. WAAAHHHH!!! "WTF WAS THAT?" I said loadly. Billy Wonka looked surprised, then happy. then sad, then angry, and then totaly calm, and then started sucking on the side of the aquarium. After about an hour of sucking on the glass Billy finally answered, "THAT was just my suger-baby-CRACK-babies. I'm blending them up to MAKE my new candy." "... that sounds... tasty?" i questioned. "YES but I gave THEM chainsaws to make it more INTERESTING!!! SHNOZZBERREY!!!!" I was begining to think Billy Wonka may have a slight mental condition. By slight, i mean he's completely insane. WAAAHHH!!! SHJGCHHH!!! VROOM!
"Would it be alright if we left now?" i asked Billy. He was busy chewing off a crack-babie's head. "OKAY but secret trap doors are HIGH in cholesteral!" he said as the floor beneath us dropped down and we fell down another one of those retard-coasters. Surprisingly, we went down, but came up on the surface. "Now jump INTO my pants BEFORE the suger-baby-CRACK-babies follow us?" Billy said, and somehow turned it into a question... "There is no way in hell i'm jumping into you'r pants you fucking rapist!" I said just before jumping into Billy Wonka's pants. It would have been incredibly gay if Billy didn't have a jacuzi and minifridge in his pants. So instead of being gay it was awesome. I called some freinds and threw a huge party (no pun intended). Unfortunately, about half way into the party Wonka yanked me out of his house-like pants and said, "Please tell YOUR freinds to stop kicking ME in the BAAAALLLLSSSS!! SHNOZZBERRY!" His face was red and it looked like he'd been running for a while. I replied, "How do you have cable TV in your pants?"
Billy shook his leg and five of my freinds fell out. "Dude sweet party! Later man!" said my freinds. Then they took a few wobbly steps and passed out. "Ha... poor guys couldn't handle my awesome party." I said. Billy shook his leg again. ten people and a dolphin fell out. "Okay I think that's about half of them;" I said, "you can finish shaking them out later. Let's go." So we walked about three miles down the street. It took forever because stupid Billy had to shake people out of his pants-house every couple steps. But when we finally made it to Dracula's Mansion, Oh did I mention we were going to Dracula's place? Well that's where we were going so now you're pretty much up to date.
CHAPTER 5!!!!
You may not now this, but me and Dracula are close personal freinds. We were room-mates in collage until the principal found out that i didn't actual go to collage and kicked me off the campus. We always threw the best parties, you know, the kind nobody remembers because they were so drunk? In fact, after our last party I woke up on a ship with a Mexican guy named Jose and a fag named Tom. I didn't even remember it until now. True story.
DING DONG!
I rang Dracula's doorbell. The door creaked open, and we heard the loud Linkin Park music playing on the stario. "AWESOME! I love this song!" i said. "VLAAA! VELCOME TO MY CRIB PARSAY." Said Dracula. "Wazzup Dracula! What's up with tha parachute pants?" I said while wondering outloud what was up with the parachute pants he was wearing. Then Dracula replied akwardly, "Oh er... uhhh... I felt like wearing them? Er- i mean... Velt vlike vearing vem?" It was very suspicious... "Makes sense to me!" i said. "SNOZZBERRY!!!" said a mosquito... or maybe it was the strange crazy man the mosquito was sitting on... Well it came from one of them and personally i don't care, so for your entertainement i'm gunna go with the mosquito. "Did vat mosquvito vust say shnozzberry?" asked Dracula. "Maybe." I said, "it was most likely Wonka. But don't let him smell your fear." "The mosquito? vor jonny depp?" asked Dracula. "Both" i said. "It IS pronounCified BILLY WonKA!!!! SHNOZZBERRY!" said Billy Wonka. Dracula then said, "Vis he vrelated to a guy named Willy Won-" "NOOOOO!!!" Me and Billy yelled simotaniously. "Oh vright! Copyright! my bad!" Said Dracula.
"Geeze Dracula, I remember you being a lot smarter. And a lot whiter... Did you get a tan or something?" "Err Vlaa... Yes!" said Dracula, "Yes i vlaa... got a tan last week! Von the beach...Er-uhhh Vla? heh?" Dracula was starting to act weird... "Oh yeah... That makes sense... because your a vampire and all, so you can totally go to the beach and get a tan. Its not like your a vampire or something and if you go into the sunlight you DIE!!! IMPOSTER!!!" I declarified (to declare while clarifying).
Dracula, if that is his real name, and i was pretty sure it wasn't, said, "Er-no well you see, vampires don't vactually burn in sunlight. You see, we uhhhh... Glimmer! yes! ve glimmer like a disco ball vat a rave party!" (Billy wonka was staring at some imaginary butterflies while Dracula was talking) "Vis he all vright?" asked so-called 'Dracula'
"Yeah he's fine. Continue." i said before dracula continued, "Well anywho, ve glimmer and vits very bright and then every-von can tell we are vampires, vo we hide so they don't notice, but it was overcast that day, so nobody noticed van... uhhh... i got va tan?" I pondered this explanation thoroughly before coming to my conclusion... "Bullshit." i said in the most sophisticated way possible. "You stole that from Twilight. Which just happens to be GAY."
You here that Twilight readers? GAY!!!
"Now take off that phony vampire mask! M.C. HAMMER! I can touch that!" M.c Hammer sighed and peeled off his mask to reveal his true form! well true face at least... "Okay James! you got me! it is I, M.C. Hammer!" said Hammer.
Ironically (i learned what it means), the music changed to 'can't touch this' by, well, M.c hammer.
"I suppose you want to know what happened to the real Dracula?' asked M.C. "Uhhh not really, how bout we check out the Hammer Cave instead?" i asked. "Did SOMEbody SAY twilight?" Billy whispered. Except for the twilight part. He screemed the twilight part. You'd think i'd put it in caps, but it doesnt deserve capitol letters. It doesnt even deserve a bookcover. "If anybody says the word 'twilight' again, i will fucking rip their balls off and force them to eat them. Then i'll force you to eat your HEAD." i said. M.c. hammer started laughing, until he saw the look on Billy wonka's face. Then he realized i would do exactly what i said nomatter how physically imposible it may be.
"Okay then. Let's go to tha Hammer Cave!" said M.C. Hammer as a trap door opened beneath us. "OH no!" said Billy Wonka, "MY cholesteral IS rising!" We fell strait down and landed on hard concrete. About two feet away from a cushy mattress. "Dumb mattress!" yelled M.C. Hammer as he re-set his broken leg. "What tha hell am I payin you for?!?" Then the mattress replied in an Italian accent, " " which is mattress for, "Whatta yous talking abouta? Eh? You don't pay me at all!" M.C. Hammer was so pissed that he punched it in the what i asumed was it's face and ripped out it's stuffing. It screamed in pain. "Do you HAVE a hammermobile IN your Hammer cave?" asked Billy Wonka. "You read too many comic books!" said M.C. Hammer, "It's a Hammer-Copter!"
CHAPTAH 6!!!!
"Cool." I said, "let's take a spin in the hammer-copter! Haha... get it? spin? it's a hellicopter so it spins?" I heard crickets chirping. I do not like chirping crickets! "Laugh or you all die." I said as i took out an oversized samuri sword. "HAHEHAHEHAHEYAHAE!!!!SHNOZZBERRY!!!" laughed Billy. I think... he could have just been having another seizure... M.C. Hammer laughed nervously. "Haha...Okay... Get in the Copter fools!" M.C. Hammer said before M.C. Hammer sliding over to the hammer-copter. Me and Billy Nutjob Wonka (Nutjob is his middle name, just like mine is Danger. James Danger Mountain Dew Supreme Bellian) started walking toward the helicopter. "No!" Yelled Hammer, "You gotta slide! You'll set off my invisible lazer trip wires if you dont!" So we started M.C. Hammer Sliding to the helicopter. About halfway Billy's legs got tired so he switched to his hands. "Okay now let's GO!!!" I said as M.C. snickered under his breath. "there weren't any lazer trip wires were there?" I asked. "hehe... Nope." He said. I let him slide this time. (do you get it? slide? He's M.C. Hammer?)
VRAGHAGHAFWAPFWAPFWAPFWAP(Helicopter sound effects...)Fwoosh!
The helicopter flew into the air... ignoring the fact that we were in a cave we rose above the countryside. A large Helicopter shaped Helicopter rose from the horizon. Not as funny the second time? aw oh well... This helicopter was sleek black and contained a lone ninja... with a metal arm and a sawed off AK! "WE are ALL going TO LIVE!!!" said Billy out of context... "I don't think so." I said as i pulled an AK 47 out of my left pocket. Cool fight music started playing. i think it was coming from Billys pants.
Just to prove Wonka wrong i gave M.C. Hammer a dead-leg causing him to colide with the mysterious mercanaries helicopter.
BOOM!!!FIREY EXPLOSION!
There was a firey explosion as the helicopters exploded!(duh)
The ninja with the metal arm stepped out of the explosion Denzel-Washington-Style and pointed his gun at me. "Who are you?" I questioned questionably. He replied, "the names Munn. Mack Munn."
"Pfft Yeah right!" i said, " You can only do that if your name is James. It's Bond, James Bond!" Mack Munn replied, "Well technically my name is Jame- oh nevermind. I'm here to ass-assinate you!"
"GASP!" i gasped. "You mean your an... Ass-Ass-In?!?!" He looked at me like i watched too much youtube Smosh... "No." He dialoged, "I'm an Assassin. One Word! Now DIE!" He fired his AK at me. I used Billy Wonka as a meat shield. "HeheAHAEHAHaha HA-AHHHGHGHG!!!!*dieing sounds*" Billy screamed/died. "How dare you force me to kill off a random character?!?!" I manly yelled, "TAKE THIS! AKUKAKAKUKAKAKUKA!!!" I didn't need to, because the gun made those sounds for me, but i did anyways. But he just caught the bullets in his metal hand.
"Curse you and your Colossus like abilities!" I said as I thought to mysef, "Curse him and his Colossus like abilities!" I pulled out my samuri sword and ran in slow-motion. I said, "私達余均等一致余、力!" then white subtitles flew out of nowhere and wrote, 'We are too evenly matched!' Mack quickly read the subtitles and replied, "私笑! 私余、力!" The white subtitles suddenly changed to say, 'Don't make me laugh! I am obviously stronger then you!' I read the subtitles and sliced at him with my sword. He caught it between his pointer and driving finger. I gasped in Japanese. But then Mack said "Holy Shit!" in perfect english.
"Oh dude! ouch that really sucks man." I said to cheer him up because his left hand isn't metal. Blood was spraying out of his hand like a dysfunctional sprinkler. "Ooowww dude i'm losing a lot of blood here man!" said Mack. I looked around nervously to find something to stop the bleeding. "Hey M.C Hammer!" I called over to Hammer who was hiding behind a really fat squirrel. "What do you want man? You just blew up my helicopter!" I smiled and said, "I know! wasn't it awesome!?!" M.C looked at me and spontaniosly swollowed down a bottle of benadryl. He imediatly passed out. "Dammit M.C! Drugs are not the answer!"
"Uhhhhhh... James? Can we hurry this up? I'm starting to feel empty." Said Mack. "Yeah yeah i'll find something just calm down." I said. Then I remembered Billy Wonka... "Billy! Wheres Billy?" I asked myself just before noticing a trail of blood coming from the forest i just noticed. We followed the trail and saw Billy's dead body lying sprawled in a tree. "Okay Mack! Whats your blood type?" Mack had already lost so much blood that he couldn't talk. So he mouthed an 'O' "What's that?" i asked, "B? Perfect! We can transfusify you with Billy's remaining blood!"
Mack looked freaked out and started shaking his head 'No'. "Don't be retarded!" I said, "I technically went to med-school!" I pulled a baseball bat out of my pocket. "nighty night!" I said.
(TEN HOURS LATER)
"Hmmm....Stitch in...Stitch out...Stitch in... uhh...Dab up the blood...Uhhh... Does he need this? I don't think so... I should probably put his heart back in... uhhh... Oh geeze spraying blood! er... *Gargle* *Spit* Put a band-aid over that... Aha! Good as new! sort of...."
Mack slowely opened his eyes. I was munching on something. "What the fuck are you eating?!?!?!?" Mack asked. "Look, it's not what it looks like! I swear Billy really does taste like candy!" Mack sat up and stared at me in horror. "He was dead anyways!" I said while taking another bite out of Billy's liver. "IM still ALIVE!!! SNOZZBERY!" Screamed Billy. WHAM! I smashed Wonka's head off with my baseball bat. "Shut up!" I said, "See? dead as a doorknob! Heh heh..." Mack puked in my face. "Okay," i said, "I deserved that." "You are one sick bastard." He said. "Yeah yeah we all know that... Let's go rob a convieniant store or something...." I propositioned. "What makes you think i want to come with you!?!?!" Mack said. "Well..." i said, "You technically killed Billy so you owe me... and if you don't I'll detonate the bomb i sewed inside you." I pulled a detonater remote out of my pocket. "YOU PUT A BOMB IN ME!?!?!?" Mack Screamed. "So what's it gunna be?" I asked.
"FINE!" He said, "I'll come just don't blow me up!"
"Awesome!" I said, "We can use that that trashy model 379 Petebilt truck over there!" "The one with the purple and red flame detailing?" asked Mack. "Yep. That's the one i was talking about. The one with 'BEHR PAINT/PRIMER' stenciled on it." I said. we walked towards the BEHR paint truck and noticed a shadowy figure step out and flip her hair. "Woah." said Mack, "Who is that?" "I don't know, but shes HOT." I said.
"The names Fox." she said, "Megan Fox." She was wearing a catholic school-girl uniforn. then Mack said, "Sorry, but that only works if your name is James, like the names Bond-" "No," I interupted, "It works." The paint truck rumbled. "Do you boys need" "Yes." I said halfway through her sentence. "a ride?" Asked Megan Fox.
"OKAY BUT I JUST GOT REAPOLSTERED. SO NO LOVEMAKING IN THE BACK."
"Oh don't worry about that, strange talking vehicle, me and Mack are just friends." I said. "You're a fucking douche bag." said Mack just before hopping in shotgun next to Megan Fox. "How was he supposed to know we were strait fries? I don't judge." I started laughing histerically, "Who am I kidding? Homosexuals are GAY!"
"YOU CAN CALL ME OPTIMUS PRIMER." SAID THE TRUCK. So I hopped in the backseat and we rampaged threw the fortest. I counted the trees as we ran them over. "forty five, forty six, forty seven, Haha! That one landed on a deer... forty nine, fifty... Hey uhhh random question here but..."
i asked, "What day is it?" "Why don't you just check the clock on your phone?" asked Mack. "Well uhh.... funny story..." I said nervously, "I sorta can't read. Shocker hu?"
"THEN HOW DID YOU KNOW IT SAID 'BEHR PAINT/PRIMER' ON ME A FEW MINUTES AGO?" ASKED OPTIMUS.
"Well it had a picture so..." i admited. Mack looked at me like I was retarded, which was a distinct possibility... "True, it had a logo of a bear..." He said, finally stooping to my level.
"Hahahaha, even I can read words and stuff!" said Megan Fox. We all turned and stared at her trying not to laugh. "What? I can! Most of the time..." said Megan Fox. After a long akward silence, (About 300 gay babies were born in the state of Rhode Island alone) we heard a Squishing sound come from underneath Optimus. It sounded like we ran over a fleshy speedbump. "What was that?" I said as Optimus slowed to a stop. "Maybe we ran over Billy Wonka's dead body?" Guessed Mack. "Thats impossible." I said, "Unless Billy's dead body crawled 20 miles through a forest faster than Optimus drives and then jumped in front of him/it. And it sounded like we hit something gay."
"ARG! *moans* Get this here Transformer off me!" said a muffled voice from underneath Optimus Primer.
CHAPTER 7-RETURN OF THE KING-
Optimus got off of the random homo he ran over, then ran back over him as a giant metal sign saying 'DOUBLE TAP' came out of no-where. "Arg how dare you run over the 'masters' assistant!" said the gay voice as he crawled out from under Optimus Primer. "The Ass-Pirate Formerly Known As Prince?! Didnt i kill you?!?" i said surprisedly. "Arg that be the Zombie Ass Pirate Formerly Known As The Ass Pirate Formerly Known As Prince to ye now matey!" said the Zombie Ass Pirate Formerly Known As The Ass Pirate... well you get it.
"A pirate?" asked Mack, "They still have those?" "Of course they still have pirates! How else would you get Pirated DVD's?" I said. "DECEPTICON!" yelled Optimus Primer. "Yeah yeah whatever, Who's this 'master' guy anyways?" i asked Prince as mack, Megan Fox, and I (see? proper grammer there.) got out of the paint truck.
"THE MASTER IS EVERYTHING! THE MASTER CONTROLS TIME AND SPACE! LIFE AND DEATH! THE MASTER CAN SEE INTO YOUR MIND! THE MASTER CAN SEE INTO YOUR SOUL!!!!!" spazzed the zombie ass pirate formerly know as the ass pirate formerly know as charlie the unicorn-er i mean...prince. DECEPTICON!" yelled Optimus Primer. Again. "Shut up Optimus!" everyone said at the same time like one of those cheezy sitcoms. "Sooo... Take us to your master?" i asked Prince. "Er... uhhh... Okay!" said the Zombie Ass Pirate formerly know as the Ass Pirate formerly know as Prince. "Okay cool..." i said, "Can I call you something shorter? Because typing your super-long name over and over again would make me want to shoot myself."
"ARG!~ Sure Matey! that makes a whole barrel of sense! You can call me Princeipoo!" I made a face that looked like this ''. The Zombie Ass pirate formerly known as ect... Figured that was the face I made before killing people (which is true) so he said, "How bout just Prince then..?" "Congrats." i replied, "You just saved your left kidney." Prince made an uncomfortable face, which wasn't hard for someone with a face that gay, and said, "Actually I got that there kidney removed, my lad..." "Right kidney then." i said.
He shook his head and said, "And then i had that one removed..." There was an akward silence before I realized he was a ZOMBIE so it was completely irrelevant to have kidneys. "AUTO-BOTS MOBILIZE!" SAID OPTIMUS. Mack and Megan Fox were making out on the hood... So i detenated Mack... Just kidding... That would kill Megan Fox too. Which was NOT okay.
So basically... We all got into Optimus Primer and he drove onto the nearest road and started, well, driving again. It was really boring and long and blah blah blah... Prince was reading Megan Fox's PlayGirl magazines, i was bored blah blah blah... we played Ispy but it sucked cuz it was always like 'I spy something green!' and they were always like, 'no way! is it uhhh... uhhhh...' then i was always like 'ITS A FUCKING TREE! THERES NOTHING ELSE HERE!' and then they were always like 'it could of been a grraaasssss!' and i was like, 'Fuck you guys! this is BULLSHIT!' so that lasted a couple hours...
AND THEN.... WHAM! SQUASH! "WHAT WAS THAT?!?!" asked Mack. "Judging from the sound id have to say it was some form of a potato." I said. "Yep!" said Prince, "That there be another zombie!"
Megan Fox, who was pretending to drive Optimus Primer even though he stopped, said, "Silly pirate! People arn't potatie!" "Megan," i said, "the plural form of potatos isn't potatie. Its potatases."
"MOAN!!!! *mumble* mumble* MOOOOAAAAN!!!!" moaned a undead mono-tone voice from under Optimus. "Wait a second... potatoes don't usually moan..." i said, feeling that my theory had been totally wrong, "MY theory was TOTALLY WRONG! I've never been wrong before..." Optimus chuckled. Which sounded more like a honk. "chuckle... I'VE KNOWN YOU FOR ABOUT 2 HOURS AND YOU'VE BEEN WRONG EXACTLY 56.93 TIMES."
The second zombie crawled out from under Optimus Primer. He looked remarkably like me. "Owww... Hi. I'm daniel." the zombie said in MY voice. "Daniel..?" i said in a confusing way. Quizzicly, if you don't mind. He seemed to be some sort of zombie clone of the awesomest dude in the universe that I knew personally. "THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!" i yelled as i chopped his head off with a samuri sword. Then I absorbed his power. And thats why I'm so powerful. Then I checked his pockets. He had $10 bucks, a ticket stub, and buisness card. The buisness card said, 'Micheal Jackson: For all your musical undead needs'
"Hey Prince!" I said in The Ass Pirate Formerly known as Prince's direction. "What is th-" "That there be the master's business card!" rudely interrupted Prince. I then replied, "I was actually going to say, what is the point of carrying around a ticket stub to a movie you already saw, but thanks for the info."
"That means M.J. is controlling the zombies!" said Mack, putting all the clues together. Megan Fox was making out with Optimus. Which didn't make any sense. I could understand why she liked him though. Optimus was a very handsome little truck. It was still weird though.
I looked over the horizon and saw some tall buildings. And some low clouds. The clouds might have just looked low because of how tall the buildings were, but it was probably because they were too lazy to float higher. Damn fat ass squishy marshmallow clouds... I was about 85 percent sure that it was Time Square. 15 percent sure it was Santa’s secret urban workshop.
“ARG! Look! It be Time Square, ........New York!” said Prince. It seems that he’s a non-believer. I made a note to send him a lump of coal next Christmas.
We all jumped back into Optimus and drove towards the city. 3 minutes later we all jumped back out. It turns out, Time Square is only a 3 minute drive from the forests of Racoon City (Resident Evil). Go figure. Then I noticed something weird... "Hey guys? Is it just me or is it quiet?" then i added, "too quiet..." to add to the effect. It was spooky. I almost scared myself. "Thats because theres no people." Mack pointed out. "ARG! that be a person right over there!" Prince said as he pointed 'right over there' at Will Smith and his loyal K9 companion.
Will Smith looked around uncomfortably. He noticed us a couple meters away, if your into the whole metric thing, but he didnt say anything. He was to busy replying to a text message he got on his iPhone. He pressed send and slipped his phone back into his pocket.
"Bring Bring! You have a Text!!!" said Megan Fox's iPhone. "Am I the only one here who doesn't have an iPhone?!" I asked as everyone checked their iPhones. "Dammit..." i said. "Everyone who's everyone has an iPhone!" said Megan Fox. "So i'm not everyone?" I asked. "Arg well it depends there my lad! when you google yourself, what comes up?" Prince asked me inapropriatly. "Google myself? You sick bastard! Thats not something i do in public!" I said. Because I don't have an iPhone! Jeeze you guys have sick minds!
Just then Will Smith was attacked by a puma. It pounced him behind a truck, so most of the gore was covered up. Well, it would have been covered up except it was a monster truck, so we could totally see under it. His dog had it's tail between his legs. "Shh-shhh-shhhh..." Will Smith whispered to his dog. He reached over to his blood-drenched iPhone and touched on the screen. "It's ok Laaasssiiieee..." Said Will Smith to his dog as the Puma slowely ate him alive. Kinda like me eating Billy Wonka... God he was delicious...
"Bring! Bring! You h-" Megan answered her phone. It was a text from Will Smith. It said,
"AAAHHHH!!! HOLY SHIT THIS FUCKING HURTS!!! AHHHH!!!!"
"That's not really something you'd say in a text..." I pointed out. Will Smith heard me and looked over angrily. He picked up his phone and hit a speed dial.
"SHUT THE FUCK UP KID! I"M FUCKIN BLEEDING HERE! MY LOWER HALF IS TEN FUCKIN FEET AWAY FROM ME DAMMIT!!! AHHHH!!!!"
Megan had her phone on speaker. Whoever this "kid" was, Will was pretty mad at him. Whatever. Then he died.
CHAPTER 8 zombie chapter
"Hmmm... Pumas. Probably from Canada. They must have crossed the Niagra Falls border and snuck into this country." I said as the puma that ate Will Smith went back to it's herd. "Maybe they came from that Puma factory over there!" said Megan Fox pointing to a
PUMA factory. "Megan, " i said, "I'm pretty sure they make shoes there."
"ARG! what's that smell?" asked prince as a swarm af magots crawled out of his nostril. "It smells like dead people. It's probably you." said Mack to the Zombie Ass Pirate. "NO." I said, "Prince smells like lavender and moldy apricotts. That smells like dirty hobo." Prince sniffed his arm and smiled. I guess he liked the smell of moldy lavender.
"EEEEK! EWWWW!!!" screamed Megan as she climbed onto Optimus Primer's hood. I'm guessing the 'eeeek' was because of the pack of pumas coming towards us, and the 'ewwww' part was for the zombies riding the pack of pumas coming towards us. "Everyone come get a shotgun!" i said while pulling 12 gauge shotguns out of my pockets and tossing them to my homies. "Pump Pump, KABLAM!" said my shotgun. I looked at the zombie i shot off the puma and noticed that he was Bill Murry.
"Oh god sorry! Are you ok dude?" I asked as I ran over to Bill Murry Zombie's side. "It's okay... I've never been good at practical jokes..." said Bill Murry as he was dying. "Practical Joke? You came at me riding a puma with an army of zombies! How is that funny?" Bill Murry replied with, "Hah hah... you actually thought I was a killer zombie...ooo it's still tender there..."
"Yeah..." I said, "But it kinda sucks for you cuz now your dead..." I said as Bill Murry died. KABLAM! "Damn zombies made me kill a Ghostbuster!" I said while shooting the zombies that made me kill Bill Murry. And the Pumas. Mostly because i don't like large mountain cats. Wolves are okay. I was raised by wolves.
"ARG! TAKE IT ALL BITCHES!" yelled Prince as he raped his fellow zombies into submission... FZZZZZ! "Woah. I didn't know you had lazer eyes." I said as Mack fazered a hole into a puma. "Oh these? Yeah I've had 'em for a while... but they only work on zombies." said Mack. "Not toast?" i asked. "Pfft no that too I mean of course they work on toast why wouldn't they jeeze there would be no point in shooting lazers if they couldn't make toast."
"True." i said while eating some toast i took out of my pocket. mmmm... buttery toast... Then I finished my toast and Optimus ran over the rest of the zombies. "NICE WORK AUTOBOTS! MOBALIZE!" said Optimus Primer.
Then I heard a painfull screech followed by the sound of tap-dancing... "HEy Hey! OWWW!!!" yelled a mysterious high pitched voice. "ARG! the master comes to feed!" said Prince as a red blur of dance moves zoomed past us. "Ow! Hey Hey! Bow chicka WOW! IM BAD! SHAMOww!" As he ran past he ate the guys we killed. I'm cool with that. It saved us a lot of clean up.
Suddenly the mysterious 'master' stopped in front of us. But i couldn't see his face because he was facing backwards and snapping his fingers. “Master…?” I asked. “That’s right little boy!” said the girlishly high voice of Micheal Jackson. “Actually I’m a young adult. A ‘little boy’ would be like… I dunno 12 or under or something. I’m 15.” I said finally revealing my secret age to my readers. Then the lights dimmed down. Actually the sun dimmed down because we were outside, and I’m not really sure how that works. Oh and there was a spot light too.
“It's close to midnight…” sang MJ. “Actually it’s closer to like 5:30.” I said. Micheal continued with, “And something evil's lurking in the dark Under the moonlight, you see a sight that almost stops your heart…” A group of zombies came out of the ground around him. One of them had a boombox.
“You try to scream but terror takes the sound before you make it!
You start to freeze as horror looks you right between the eyes
You're paralyzed!
'Cause this is thriller, thriller night!!!” I took out my phone and started camcording.
“And no one's gonna save you from the beast about strike
You know it's thriller, thriller night!
You're fighting for your life inside a killer, thriller tonight
You hear the door slam and realize there's nowhere left to run
You feel the cold hand and wonder if you'll ever see the sun
You close your eyes and hope that this is just imagination, girl!
But all the while you hear the creature creeping up behind
You're out of time
'Cause this is thriller, thriller night!”
There ain't no second chance against the thing with forty eyes, girl
Thriller, thriller night
You're fighting for your life inside a killer, thriller tonight
Night creatures calling, the dead start to walk in their masquerade!
There's no escaping the jaws of the alien this time
(They're open wide)
This is the end of your life
They're out to get you, there's demons closing in on every side
They will possess you unless you change that number on your dial
Now is the time for you and I to cuddle close together, yeah
All through the night I'll save you from the terror on the screen
I'll make you see
That this is thriller, thriller night
'Cause I can thrill you more than any ghost would ever dare try
Thriller, thriller night
So let me hold you tight and share a
Killer, diller, chiller, thriller here tonight
'Cause this is thriller, thriller night
Girl, I can thrill you more than any ghost would ever dare try
Thriller, thriller night
So let me hold you tight and share a killer, thriller, ow!
(I'm gonna thrill ya tonight)
Darkness falls across the land
The midnight hour is close at hand
Creatures crawl in search of blood
To terrorize y'alls neighborhood
I'm gonna thrill ya tonight, ooh baby
I'm gonna thrill ya tonight, oh darlin'
Thriller night, baby, ooh!!! WOAH!” Micheal was getting a little too into it. He ended up tripping on a lit up tile. Tap shoes aren’t very functional. Except for tap dancing. “BRAVO BRAVO!” Prince said to MJ. “That be an excellent finish!” It would have been funny if Prince was being sarcastic. But it wasn’t funny. Prince is a dumb ass. No offense to Prince Rogers Nelson, who has a similar name. Just getting that strait. get it? Strait? cuz neither of them are strait so it’s ironic that I’d use that word. No offense.
"So you came back as the king of the zombies?" I asked. "That's right boy." said MJ. "That's good..." I said, "Ow." I added. not like a MJ OW! that's usually followed by a HEy hEY! or a WooH! More like an "ow someone hit me with a frying pan" ow. If you don't understand you can ask me later. Then I passed out. I think someone hit me on the head with a frying pan. Again...
CHAPTER 9!!!
Then i had the weirdest dream.... Okay so i was walking through a feild, actually I think I was running... No. yeah, no yeah, no i was definately skipping. I was skipping through a feild and tripped over a bag of shrimp and fell on the ground. "Ow." I said as i spit dirt out of my mouth. Except it wasn't dirt, it was green jelly beans. So i ate them again. Greens like... the BEST.
"Hey dude you mind not eating the jellybeans? I'm kinda... gathering them right now..." said a guy with a giant sack of green jellybeans. "I can see that..." I said and stood up. "Yeah you mind putting pants on? your scaring the beans." said the jellybean gatherer. "What are you talking about? I AM wearing..." I looked down. "right... I seemed to have misplaced my pants." I said.
"Here, you can wear my spare jellybean sack. Sam i am." he handed me a burlap bag labeled 'BEANS'. I put it on. "What do you mean Sam i am?" I asked. "I am Sam." He said. "Right...Do you have another bag? Maybe one labled 'NUTS'? Hah..." Sam laughed slightly. "hah... no i'm the green jellybean gatherer. The nut gatherer is somewhere... else..."
So we started hopping across the field, Sam was walking. Then we ran into Mack, and i asked, "Hey! Were the fuck are we?" Mack melted and drained into a sewer. "Sweet. melted people make great fertalizer for the green jellybeans. Not the red ones." I said in Sams voice. "Oh sorry." I said. "I think you were supposed to say that Sam..."
Then i looked around and noticed I was alone. In a dark room. Full of people. Except there werent any people. because i was alone. In a dark room. It was like someone was giving my brain a titty twister. "WHERE DID EVERYTHING GO?" I SHOUTED. And it ECHOED. It was AWESOME. I took a few steps forward and stepped on a light switch. The lights turned on and i noticed that i was standing on the wall of a small white room. Then the walls fell open and i was in the middle of the steet handcuffed to a telephone pole. It was dark and cold outside. And the handcuffs were cutting up my wrists. "Where the fuck am I?" I asked. "Were in the street." said Sam. He was cuffed to another pole a few feet away. "Yeah no shit." I said.
I waited there for like 9 hours. Then finally i saw two guys walking towards us. "What's poppin playah." said one of them. "Who are you and where am i?" I demanded. "My name is John Jacobs and you are in the street." he thouroughly explained. "Weird... My name is your name too.." I said. "Wowww i havn't heard that one before!" he said sarcasticly. The other guy, who was taller and had a high metabolism, snickered. Then I was like,"WE NEED TO THINK OF A PLAN so i can get off this damn pole."
So we started planning. "WELL..." said John Jacobs, "We could try picking the lock with something..." Sam, who was sleeping, suddenly woke up and shouted, "DUDE I JUST HAD THE WEIRDEST DREA- oh. nevermind." Then I said, "Check my pockets they're suprisingly spacious." John looked at me and said, "No way fag." Then I yelled, "SEARCH MY DAMN POCKETS!" John gulped and took a fishing rod out of his pocket. Then he walked over to my side and lured the hook into my pocket. "FUCK!" I said as the hook stabbed my thigh. "DID YOU HAVE TO USE A FUCKING FISHING ROD?!?!" Then he fished out a blood covered pistol. "Oh shit I got your blood on it." said John. "no it was already like that. And thats not my blood." I said.
"Oh. Okay so you just want me to shoot the cuffs off?" asked John just before he was hit by a random speeding bus.
VROOOM!!! SQUKGWAHSH!
"Okay then... Hmmm..." I got splashed with Johns blood. "Hey you!" I said to the other guy. "Sup. My names Antal." he said. "Thats fantastic..." I said, "Now shoot my cuffs off."
VROOOM!!! SQUKGWAHSH!
The bus came back for seconds. So i picked up the gun with my mouth and tryed to aim it. "mmf ey Sam!" I called over to the jelly bean guy.The gun in my mouth made it hard to talk. "Flemme fhoot yer cuhfs moff!" I pulled the trigger with my tongue. BLAM "SHIT!" said Sam after I shot him in the arm. "Fowy! I miffed!" I shot again. BLAM "God DAMMIT!" BLAM "FUCKER! STOP!" BLAM "STOP YOU ALREADY GOT THEM! fucking damit shit..." Sam was now bleading in 4 places. "Mhokay!" I said, "now you get mine!" I dropped the gun out of my mouth and Sam limped over to me. "OKAY. I'll get those cuffs off of you." said Sam in an oddly sarcastic tone. "Just hold still and I'll get them off.... EVENTUALLY"
BLAM! "AWW SHIT!"
CHAPTER 10!
"Okay." I said while holding my arm to stop the bleeding. "Let's go." So me and Sam started following streetsigns back to Time Square. Some asshole thought it would be funny to switch the signs. We ended up in a gay-bar called 'The Stonewall Inn'. I was about to leave until...
"ARG! James my lad! I've found you!" called Prince from a barstool. He was with another man. The guy looked really disturbed. Can't blame him. Prince is a very disturbing pirate-zombie-homo. "What are you doing here." I asked. Prince hopped off his seat. "Arg... Well, I havn't hooked up in a while and I was feali-"
"No I mean where is everyone. what happened." I said. Prince looked over to Sam. "Who be your new friend? Is he a...homosexually oriented fello?" Prince was now a few inches from me and whispering into my ear. I took at step back and shouted, "NO! NOBODY LIKES GAY PEOPLE!!!"
Then Sam said, "Uhhh... Not a good idea..." Then i said surprised, "What?! You're a curly fry?!" Sam pointed to the mob of homosexuals forming. "no..." he said, "But they are."
"GET HIM!" yelled the mob as they picked up fuzzy pink handcuffs and copies of 'Broke-back Mountain' on DvD Blu Ray.
CRASH!!! BOOM!
"SAM! RUN! JAMES, GET IN!" YELLED OPTIMUS PRIMER AS HE CRASHED THROUGH THE WALL. Megan Fox and Mack busted out with tommy guns and pinstripe suits. So I hopped into Optimus with my potato sack and said, "Got any more pinstripe suits? I lost my pants..."
"YES. WE BOUGHT FOUR MATCHING PAIRS." Optimus said. I noticed my suit hanging on his rearveiw mirror and put it on in record time. "Be right back." I said as I hopped out of Optimus and back into the action. "Haha cool were like a firing squad or something." I said as we surrounded the angry mob with bullets. Blood was splattering everywhere.
TAKTAKTAKTAKTAK "What are you doing?!?" Said Sam as I reloaded my tommy gun. "Oh i'm changing the magazine so i can shoot some more..." TAKTAk- "No I mean Why are you killing people?!" Sam said. The mob of angry homosexuals was now a squishy bleeding blob of death. "pfft" i said, "You saw them come at me! It's self-defense! Horse-play! you know, two horses are playing... one kills the other... Horse-play..."
"Okay now let's get back to base." said Mack. "What base?" I asked. Then Megan Fox explained, "Oh after MJ hit you with a frying pan and took you to-" megan stopped talking. She had a weird dizzy look. So did Mack. And Sam. And Prince. And Optimus Primer. Then they fell over one at a time. "the fuck...?" I said and then noticed tranquilizer darts in the back of their necks. And muffler.
FWOOOSHH!!!
Then the mafia came in. They were wearing pinstripe suits also. I guess its fashionable this time of year. They had flamethrowers. They might have been the same guys back in that continental breakfast 9 chapters ago. "Did you just trank my friends?" I asked the mafia. "Uhhh..." said one of them, "...no?..." "I see... ehhh...How about...we...go...." I said.
"uhhhmmm!" said another mafia guy as some mexican shipment people dragged off Sam, Megan, Prince, Optimus, and Mack. "Whats that over there!" he shouted and pointed behind me. "Were?! i said as I fell for his genuisely executed trick.
You see, when I turned my back and faced the wall, It took me a minute to finally see that the mafia didn't know what thumbtacks were, now of course this wasn't news to me, for I am familiar with the uses of the small sharp usually colourfull little thimbles use to stick things to walls. such as: posters, paintings, wall art, post-it notes, pornography, calenders, small children, stalker pictures, dartboards with history teachers faces on them, ECT. Now when I turned back around I was planning on explaining the useful little tacks to the mafia, then maybe we could go bowling or get something to eat. I was in the mood for tacos. which made me think of my old friend Jose. Which made me want popcorn. So maybe instead we could go to see a movie. Buuuuutttttt...... They left. so all my plans from 2:30 AM - 5:26 PM were totally ruined.
"Those are... uhhm... thumb...tacks... but you left with everybody.... I see..." So then I left the Stonewall Inn gay-bar place and went to go rethink my life. "Hmmm..." I thought to myself, "Normally I would just go on without any thoughts of saving my friends... But I guess I'm just not as evil anymore.... Hmmm... I'm getting soft! I need to man up and go kill some people! That'll help me forget about Megan Fox and... Those other guys.... uhhhhmm..... What was I thinkin bout again?.... uhh.....hmmm.... I wanna say something about....... hmmmm... uhhh... history teachers? no... uhhmm... maybe?"
"I KNOW WHAT I'M GOING TO DO THIS WEEKEND!" I finaly shouted out loud. Some scankilly clad women turned and stared. Probably cuz I'm so hot. But i think they were prostitutes...sooo.... yeah.
I walked up to a hooker who was, at the moment, shooting up on heroin. "Hello nice lady." I said do you happen to know were the nearest parking lot is? im in need of a pedestrian vehicle." She snorted and said "if your not making a purchase piss off." I looked at the name tag stuck akwardly in her cleavelage. "Okay 'Briana' *cough cough* fake name* I'm not planning on cantracting any diseases tonight so... If you could just tell me where the nearest parking lot is..." She threw her heroin down on the floor and shouted "SHUT THE HELL UP KID IM DRUNk AS HELL AND PUMPED FULL OF DRUGS AND IM JUST TRYING TO GET FUCKED ON THE STREET SO I CAN BUY MORE DRUGS AND GET MORE FUCKED UP SO I CAN FUCK MORE!"
Then I finally realized how hard of a life it was to be a whore and felt sorry for her... Then I came to my senses and smashed her head against a brick wall. Just like a melon. A hollow melon. Full of blood.
!!!CHAPTER 11!!!
This is it. Not Micheal Jacksons 'This Is It' but James Bellians this is it. This is the last chapter of the book. I have given up killing people. I've moved on with my life. I'm not a super bad-ass killing machine maniac with un-original jokes and made up friends. Except the people in this story based on my real friends; Like The Ass Pirate Formerly known as Prince. I started writing this book last year because i had just moved to Friendswood, TX from Scottsdale, AZ. I was feeling depressed from all of the rain, clouds, and cowboy hicks i pretended everyone was. Turns out everyones normal, the weather doesn't suck that much, and I wasted a whole year being depressed that now I can't even remember. So here's the conclusion to the story...
I went to the parking lot that, turns out, was right behind me. I was about to steal a nice blue Mustang when suddenly it bucked and kicked me in the face. "NEEEYYYY!!" whined the horse. Someone once told me to never get behind a horse. Now i know why. "HEY!" I said to the oddly colored horse. Because hey is for horses. Then I kicked back at him. He ate my shoe. I put my foot down and felt the asphalt on my bare feet. "If only i had bear feet..." i said, "Then I could climb up trees and step in bear traps..." Then I tried to make a peace offering to the horse. "Peace offering?" I asked as I pulled a virgin Magnum out of my pocket. "You get this nice shiny guns bullets shot in your face, and I get the 1985 Firebird next to you!"
My magnum was no longer a virgin. I sent the horse to a glue factory and put it's head in Woltz's bed. I don't even know a Woltz, but I saw it in a movie once... When I got back to the parking lot the Firebird had already flown south for the winter. "SO JAMES... WE MEET AGAIN. MWAHAHAHAHA..." said a dark raspy voice from behind me. It was so raspy and distorted i could barely understand what he was saying. "Batman?" I asked. "NO! IT IS I! TOM! YOUR ARCH NEMESIS!" Whoever this Tom guy was, he was wearing a dark cloak and holding a chainsaw. "Tom Tom Tom... hmmm... Tom... do I know a Tom?" I thought hard, but sadly, I can only remember ten minutes ago. "Lemme just check my contacts maybe your in there... nope...hmmm... sorry I dont know who you a-ah-argh!" While i was busy trying to remember Tom, (from chapter 1) he took initiative and sawed my head off. Then I died.
A final note from the Blogger:
This is one of those times when Thumper's mother's rule "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all" applies. If you have anything other then POSITIVE comments and feedback to say about this post, please, keep it to yourself--I don't care how "offended" you are going to pretend to be, or how terribly politically incorrect this post is. Just go get over yourself, suck it up, and bitch about it to someone else. Contrary to this, if you have something nice to say please leave a comment :)
~STAY CLASSY READERS!
